Nightmares
by adjit
Summary: Ladybug wants to keep her civilian identity secret. When asked, she always replies that she thinks it would be best this way. But today Chat isn't letting it go. As she gives her normal answer (vague, general, evasive), he frowns. "But why?"


Ladybug wants to keep her civilian identity secret. When asked, she always replies that she thinks it would be best this way. But today Chat isn't letting it go. As she gives her normal answer (vague, general, evasive), he frowns.

"But _why_?"

 _Adrien's eyes widen in shock as he watches Ladybug- the strong, confident, amazing, miraculous hero- turn back into his classmate. His sweet but clumsy, shy, and ultimately ordinary friend. The rest of their classmates look at Marinette with surprise as well, but she can't look away from Adrien. The shock in his eyes fades to disappointment, and Marinette can feel the words unsaid crawling down her throat, choking her. She runs._

"What good could knowing do?" she shoots back.

"We wouldn't have to hide from each other. There'd be more trust between us, our teamwork would improve!"

"You sound sure of yourself. Don't you have ulterior motives?"

Chat doesn't even try to deny it. He nods earnestly, but his expression becomes almost pained. "You _know_ you can trust me."

"I know. I _do_."

"Then why?" he repeats. The words are almost a plea.

 _She keeps running, but she can feel the eyes on her. Whispers, murmurs. Attention she had always wanted, but not like this. Not this inescapable, oppressive recognition, not the buffeting winds from upon the high pedestal to which she's been exiled. She freezes, looking around for somewhere to hide, but in her moment of inaction she's instantly surrounded by a sea of bodies. They smile at first, reaching out to touch her, and she tries to cry out but her mouth is clamped shut, too afraid of what they'll do if she opens it. She feels a roiling in her stomach and she finally can't stop the tears from falling._

"Is this really the time to be talking about this?" she asks, slightly irritated.

"Do we ever have a better time?" he counters.

"No. Maybe it's a sign we shouldn't discuss it." Her tone is teasing, but it has an edge to it. A warning that Chat Noir does not heed.

"I'm not even asking what your identity is, just why you can't tell me."

 _The bodies recoil from her tears. Their smiles and attention quickly turn to disgust. She's let them all down, because she's too weak, too small. Her suffocating prison of people is gone in seconds, but she doesn't feel any relief. She can't stop crying. She's so sorry. Please don't go._

"Chat, stop." Her voice is as hard as she can make it, but he keeps pushing.

"I'll drop it, I promise, but I _need_ to know why, at least. I can't- I can't keep doing this. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I know you so well but I don't know you at all. And I could deal with that if I at least had an explanation. Just give me one reason why and I'll never bring it up again."

 _She looks up and sees Alya standing over her, but the other girl doesn't offer a hand. There's burning disappointment in her gaze. Marinette understands that. Ladybug was Alya's idol, and Marinette is just… Marinette. But the disappointment doesn't hurt nearly as much as the anger. Alya's anger isn't burning, it's ice. Ice that trickles through her gaze into Marinette's blood and twists like a knife in her stomach, ice that freezes her mouth before it can offer any of her pitiful excuses for keeping this a secret, for lying again and again to her friend. Ice that freezes Marinette to the spot so that as much as she wants to run away again, she's forced to watch Alya look down on her and walk away. She doesn't look back._

"I can't. I don't know why." She's lying. They both know it.

"Ladybug…" Chat is desperate. He thinks it's his fault somehow.

But what can she do? The words 'It's not you, it's me' always sound false no matter how true they really are. "Chat, it's not because I don't trust you. You're my precious partner. I trust you with everything."

He recoils at that, a brief flash of anger pushing his next words out. "Except this."

Marinette can feel her Ladybug persona crumbling and her next words come out weak. "I'm sorry."

Chat can tell he's upsetting her, but that reckless, impulsive, stupid, brave, kind, funny, lovely boy asks that burning question again. "Why?"

 _Marinette hears him approach, and she slowly turns to look up at Chat. He looks down at her with disapproval. This was the girl he had fought with? This timid girl, curled up on the ground with tears in her eyes and nothing to her name but the desire to run and hide? This was the girl he thought he had loved? She reaches out to him, not sure if she's trying to apologize or trying to make him understand, but he recoils from her touch as if burned. He shakes his head, backing up._

" _I wish I had never asked."_

Marinette breaks. "Because I'm _weak_. I trust you with my life but I don't trust you with my identity because you'll break your promise, you'll see me as I really am and you'll hate me, you'll regret it, and you'll leave. Because I'm not really Ladybug- she's someone else, she's someone who is confident and talented and _good_ but I am just _me_ and if you ever saw that, you'd hate me for it. I'd be a disappointment to you, and to everyone." Her voice is trembling and her entire body is shaking, but the floodgates have been opened and she can't stop. "And I couldn't even tell you that much, even though you were hurt, because I was too scared! I'm weak and a coward and selfish and I'm nothing like you imagine." Her words finally stop, but only because a sob escapes her throat, and she covers her mouth in mortification. She closes her eyes and turns away, not wanting to see the look on the face of her partner. She doesn't want to see the disapproval that haunted her nightmares on the nights where she couldn't keep the thoughts bundled nicely away, where her optimism and happiness during the day turned into exhaustion and intrusive thoughts at night.

She freezes when she feels arms wrap around her and a quiet voice whisper "I'm sorry." She turns around in his embrace, hands still clamped around her mouth, and looks up at her partner, her friend, and sees no disapproval in his eyes. Just a softness and an intense sincerity. "I shouldn't have pushed."

She drops her hands from her face and they land against his chest. She tries to push him away. "N-no, no, you didn't do anything wrong, I shouldn't have said anything-"

"No." His voice is firm, but not cruel. He pulls her back against him, but the hug is light enough that she could escape it if she wanted. She doesn't. "I'm sorry. You're not completely wrong." She stiffens, and he pulls on one of her pigtails, teasing her. It's a more familiar side of Chat, and she relaxes again, though her gaze drops. She's dreading what he's about to say. "I see you as this amazing, confident, perfect person. I think somewhere in there I forgot there was a person under that mask. But," he continues, looking down at her with a soft smile, "I would never break my promise. You're _you_ , and everything that you are is perfect enough. No one can be amazing all the time. You'll never be a disappointment to me, no matter who you are."

Marinette looks up, blinking away the mistiness of her eyes, a cautious smile overtaking her face. She doesn't know if she believes him. This, whatever it was, was so different from their usual interactions that she had a hard time believing that this was really Chat talking to her. But she wants to believe. "You said it yourself. You don't even know me."

He shakes his head. "I know part of you. There's just more. And you can't say that this," he gestures to her mask and costume- her being Ladybug, "is not you. It is. I mean- I act differently, too! Without the mask I could never get up to courage to, well…" He laughs lightly, and then glances down at their position. "But it's still me and it's still you. There's another part of your personality that I haven't completely seen, but she's shown through a few times, too. More awkward, more clumsy, but still Ladybug. And even if I've never seen her, I'm sure that I'll love her just as much as I love my Lady."

Marinette finds herself blushing intensely as Chat easily proclaims his love for her yet again, but she doesn't pull away. She looks to the side, still embarrassed over her meltdown, but feeling leagues better. "We should get going."

He looks down at her, and then releases her with an easy smile. "Whatever you wish, my lady." And with that, whatever seriousness had overtaken Chat melts away, his mischievous persona coming back fully. But the kindness in his eyes remains, as always.

He's looking at her differently now, Marinette realizes, but not badly. A little less hero worship, but no less respect. He's still worried, but he's not treating her like she's breakable. She feels a flood of thankfulness that it was him, that he was the one who fate brought to be her partner, that her future was so tied up in his. When she smiles, it's not as big as usual, but it's just as bright.

"Let's go."

* * *

She still hasn't told him. It has been weeks since she had broken down in front of Chat Noir, but he had let the topic die. She gave him her reason for keeping her identity secret- lots of reasons, too many reasons- and so he stopped asking, as he said he would. But things between them are different. She's still the confident heroine, and he's still her mischevious partner, but sometimes they're both quieter, more awkward. Marinette had bared her soul to her partner, and he had accepted her completely. It was... nice.

There's still some awkwardness between them, though, and Marinette soon realizes that part of it on her side was because of something Chat had said that night.

 _I mean- I act differently too!_

It's unimportant. A small detail that something in her brain had latched onto and wouldn't let go of. But Chat seems so confident, so at ease, that she can't imagine him being any different in his civilian persona. Then again, that might be the point.

Maybe she's just looking for similarities between them, trying to find things to relate to that aren't there, trying to prove to herself that she's not the only one who feels like she isn't good enough, would never be good enough.

Or maybe there are similarities, and she can find in Chat someone who understands her more than anyone. (That thought is almost as terrifying as it is comforting.)

Either way, Marinette is curious now. She dances around it for a few days, not really wanting to bring that night up again. (They haven't talked about it since, and she can't decide if she's relieved or disappointed.) But she can tell that Chat has noticed, and it finally gives her curiosity the push it needs.

"What are you like outside the mask?" She's glad she sounds more confident than she feels. By talking about anything outside their superhero personas, it was treading a line she had repeatedly made clear she didn't want crossed. But Chat Noir doesn't make a dumb comment, instead answering honestly and without judgement.

"Quieter, I guess. Better behaved." His smile is just a little too smug for Marinette's tastes, and she shoves him slightly. He dodges out of the way of her push and continues. "I do everything required, asked, and expected of me. Pretty boring, huh?"

"So you're saying I could have had a well trained house cat rather than an alley cat this whole time? Ah, what a shame."

"Ha, well…" he replies, trailing off and staring down. His smile seems a little forced.

Noticing the change in expression, Marinette immediately backtracks. "Chat, you know I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

He shakes his head, cutting her off. "Well, it's only natural that you'd prefer him. After all, he is perfect. Or as close as he can be forced, at least." Now Chat smiles, and it's much more real. And much more mischievous. "But Chat's much more fun, don't you think? Freedom to do what I want kicks that stiff old me to the curb." She laughs at his words, but realizes that his face is a little more vulnerable than his usual teasing expression.

It hits her that he's asking for validation. She doesn't know his story, really, but she thinks she gets it from his words. Enough, at least. And he was asking her if his personality when he truly got to act how he wanted was inferior to the person he was when he was being what everyone wanted him to be. It was a terrifying question to ask, and she felt the weight of responsibility weigh heavily on her. But she did the same to him, and he came through spectacularly. Remembering that just makes her feel the importance of her next words, and she chooses them carefully. _Just say what you feel, Ladybug. You can't go wrong._

"You're a bit of a flirt for my tastes," she starts, and she can see his face fall just a little. She keeps her eyes on him, firm but gentle. "But I don't think I would ever want you any other way."

He looks up, then, and a smile breaks onto his face. Seeing the warmth in it fills her with relief. _So what I said was good enough._

"Ah, good enough?" Chat is leaning in, and with slight horror Marinette realizes she said that out loud.

"I- I mean, I was just speaking the truth, but I wanted-"

"You wanted to cheer me up, my lady?" His smile is much more predatory, and she gives him a warning look, which he ignores. "But being in your presence is enough for me." He grabs her hand, kissing it before raising his eyes impishly to meet hers.

She pulls her hand back, crossing her arms with a huff. "Did I mention you're too much of a flirt?"

He laughs at her response, seemingly back to normal. "The teenage years are the best years for romance, Ladybug. We're at our most vulnerable. Insecurities like no other." He smiles as he says it, and she can tell he's thinking of both of their confessions. While she knew they were both completely serious in those tiny moments of weakness, the way Chat approached it made her feel that she could laugh about it, too. "Isn't that the best time to strike?" He's joking, of course. His grin is too wide and his eyebrows too high, exaggerating his expression into something comical.

Marinette makes a split second decision. She leans up and cups his jaw, guiding his head down to her level so she can reach his forehead, leaving a soft kiss there. She pulls back, looking at his eyes blown wide with awe, and smiles. "A good time to strike, for sure." She lifts her hand slightly, patting his cheek once, and then pulls back completely. "A good time for learning, too. And I think we could learn a little more about love together, don't you?"

He's practically frozen in shock, but he still manages to nod and stutter out a, "Y-yes, please."

"Self-love is very important to dealing with those 'teenage insecurities,' after all." She watches as the pieces click into place and Chat realizes she's only teasing him. He recoils slightly, face darkening with a blush as he realizes how easily she could play him. She grins. Teasing aside, she really meant it. They both had their moments of strength and of weakness, but if they could share those moments with each other and stay in this place where they can laugh at their insecurities… Well, maybe there were more kinds of love they could learn.


End file.
